What broke my day:When you give people the benefit of the doubt, and they just ruin everything. Today was supposed to be a good day, but then my grandma just had to go and ruin it. I know that I've mentioned my relationship with my grandmother isn't great, but today she just ruined any and all semblance of a relationship we might have had. I'm not writing this to bash her or out of spite or bitterness, but what she did today hurt. First: back story. My grandmother and my mother have a really bad relationship, because my mom called my grandma out on her bad behavior. That means that my mom is at fault for everything bad that happens to my grandmother. Lately, my grandma has been complaining that she just doesn't know what to do with us kids, but she wants a relationship. There is plenty to do with us, but being dutch she refuses to spend any money on us. So, being the bigger person I suggested that I go over and bake cookies with her for me to take to college. (no matter how much I don't liker her...she can make a mean cookie). I don't want a relationship with my grandma, but I didn't want to hurt her, so I tried. All was going well until the third round of cookies was in the oven. Then she started talking about how horrible my parents were. It would take too long to explain how vindictive and manipulative she is( like no lies...I could write a 600 page book on the woman just for you to understand) but we will leave it at this, she is vindictive and is never, ever at fault. She forced me to take a side and no matter how much like Sweden I tried to remain she kept pushing at me to make me hate my parents. I even told her at least twice that I was not comfortable being in the position she was putting me in, I didn't want to take sides. She didn't take the hint. I was really close to blowing up and telling her my true feelings and then walking out. But I didn't want to stoop to her level...and those cookies were looking mighty delicious. As soon as I left I cried uncontrollably. I was attacked, and it hurt. I had to talk out my feelings with my Great Aunt Phyll and Dad until I finally could figure out how I felt and stop the waterworks. I realized that I found it utterly rude of her to do that to me, and put me in a place where I can't win. I was trying so hard to be nice and give her the benefit of the doubt, and she took that opportunity to crush my heart and throw it in the trash. I took time out of my crazy, busy schedule of packing in good faith that she wouldn't pull a stunt, and she made my day become an emotionally draining one. I'm now accepting applications for a new grandmother, preferably one like Betty White.
What made my day: Realizing that you don't need someone, because you have an amazing support system. All in all today wasn't a bad day. I realized that I am loved and when I don't know what to do emotionally, my real family is there to support me. Sometimes it takes getting hurt to realize what you do have is good. Top notch really. I am talking about my Aunt Phyll and my parents (yes mom, I love you!) As soon as I left the devil lair (okay, I'll admit that was childish and vindictive.) I knew I couldn't talk to my parents because they would be a little biased. I knew that my Aunt Phyll knows the issues with my grandmother, and she is outgoing and a good mediator. So I called her, sobbing uncontrollably, unable to form even a coherent sentence. She listened, understood my mutterings,built me up, and made sure that I knew I was right, and my grandma was wrong. She was appalled at my grandmother's behavior, and congratulated me on not blowing up and walking out (according to both her and my dad, they would have blown up and walked away). She made me feel better, and I respect her more than I will EVER respect my grandmother. But what happened in the last minute of the call was what really made it all better. She told me she would adopt me as a grandchild, because I was being robbed of a grandmother, and that I could call her anytime for anything. I've never felt that kind of love. In that moment I felt like I finally had a grandmother who would love me unconditionally and be there when I needed her. It's what I've always needed. Then I went and talked to my dad, I was done crying and he was a good way to vent my negative feelings and process them. I love having conversations with my father, and today he really showed how supportive he is of me. His first words when he found out what had happened, "I'm glad you didn't call me first, because I kind of want to go punch grandma in the face for what she did to you." I love that my dad will protect me, even if it is from someone who he's supposed to look up to as a person but can't. He forced me to laugh and let me know he was proud of me. My mom did the same, but with a more feminine finesse. And what she told me made me really feel the love and support. "I wish I could fix it(your pain)." She knows she can't fix my heart, but she did a pretty good job of stitching it back together. the rest of the healing is up to me, and I'm still in recovery, but soon my heart will function thanks to three amazing people who let me know in one of my greatest times of emotional need, that I will always have three doctors to keep me on emotional life support. The scars may persist forever, but realizing how loved I am was worth it, and I don't think I reget what happened because I think what I may have gained is worth so much more.
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