What broke my day: Feeling guilty when I shouldn't. I have this complex that I feel guilty when someone feels bad or doesn't get what they want, even when I have no control over the situation. What made me think of this was an incident that happened today at the Coast Guard run. I didn't run the race, but I had walked quite a ways over the course of the morning (my estimate: at least 3 miles, not including the fact that I was on my feet for 4 hours) and I was sweating, tired, and my foot was really hurting me (you know, chemical burns and all). My friends that had run the race were getting a drink and something to eat before the volunteers threw the leftovers out, and I was obviously dehydrated (to the point where I was starting to feel faint, but I wouldn't admit it.) I didn't feel right taking a water, or eating something because I didn't run, I didn't pay, and I feel like that is stealing. I would have felt inexorably guilty if I had taken anything, because I didn't deserve it. I hate that I do that. I hate feeling like I let people down, and I hate when other people are let down by others. I tend to take all the blame for everything in my mind, and that leads me to feel guilty about everything I do. And I mean everything. Today for instance, I felt guilty about complaining about the heat, complaining about my foot, not wanting to go to the beach, not listening to my sister's annoying story, not wanting to eat my sister's fried gross vegetables (because I feel guilty about eating three brownies yesterday), making my parents spend money on college, and many other things, but we don't have all day. Anyway, point of the story....I constantly feel guilty about everything, and I need to get over it, other people's issues aren't my problem. I need to learn to help people, but not get all bent out of shape. But that makes me feel like I'm self-centered, and that makes me feel guilty. It's a cold, cruel, circle of bad feelings.
What made my day:I had this whole sappy thing written, but it got deleted somehow. Which is frustrating because it was by far one of my best ones. Anyways, lets redo this. Happy Endings. I love happy endings. You know in movies, books, or any story when the girl gets the guy, everything turns out peachy keen, and the world is set right. I love a disney princess ending, a romantic comedy ending, or even one of those 'this isn't supposed to be a happy ending' ending. Even in the not so happily ever after, something happens, an acceptance or a moving on of sorts. I love that part in every story where at least most of the problems come to some kind of resolution(which is why in literature that section of a story is called the resolution....see what they did there?) I love the happily ever after, because I want to believe in one. Every girl does, don't even try to lie to me. I love that part of the story where everything turns out alright and the future shows nothing but possibilities. I know it's an unrealistic belief to have, but maybe we are looking at it all wrong. Maybe the happily ever after doesn't look to the future, but instead it's a reflection of the past. In movies and books the happily ever after is implied, but in real life it can't be. In the real world relationships suck, people die, things break, people lose their homes, money, family and friends. It seems almost impossible to find that happy ending. In our day to day life it can sometimes seem that we are being gang-banged with issues and drama, but the happily ever after keeps us going.But, when our life is over, I want to be able to look back and realize that overall my happily ever after was achieved. I had accomplishments I was proud of, and I had someone to love me as a spouse unconditionally..my proverbial prince charming. Thinking this way may sound morbid, that you have to wait until your almost dead to find out if you got the happily ever after, but it gives me hope right now. I still have a chance at that happy ending. Maybe I believe that I can have this fictional happiness in real life, because it's meant to be a part of the big picture, and I do have examples all around me....if I just look close enough. Mainly my parents. If you ask either one of them, their life stinks. We have money issues, my father works 10-12 hour days, my parents don't have time for each other, every time something gets fixed two somethings break, they occasionally fight, we have continuous extended family drama,and life just keeps beating them down. Really they have that storybook ending when looked at from a larger time scale. He was in the navy and fell in love, and they have been together ever since. They have been married for 26 years and still love each other, even if they don't always have time to let each other know it. They have three children who they haven't killed yet, and who (even though we don't always admit it) love them and respect them unconditionally. They have a beautiful home, even though it isn't always clean. And I firmly believe that they will be that old couple who takes slow walks and holds hands when they are 80. They may not see it from thier perspective, but from an observer's perspective....they have it all. I'm glad that I have a real life example of the much coveted happily ever after in my life. It makes me have an upward twinge of my lips, a gleam in my eyes(because I'm crying), and hope to my mind. If my parents can do it then there is still hope for me. I can still find my soulmate and have my own happily ever after, just like my mother and father have.
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